Friday, November 22, 2013

Hit or Miss

Some days are a hit: everything goes well, the lunch is packed, eaten and enjoyed, the friends are friendly, fun and funny, and the world is a happy little fishbowl of harmoniously swimming guppies.

Other days, everything SUCKS. I have starred in both of these lately.

Having two little ones is a challenge, and God bless those with more. Two littles and a full-time job PLUS planning a dance production, attempting to prep/clean up for the holidays, trying to get ahead with new technology and basically trying to SURVIVE is straight chaos. Unmitigated, step-over-the-landmine-if-you-can CHAOS.

Case in point: The Halloween decorations that I put up (early, mind you) were painstakingly taken down and put in the upstairs hallway, the limbo before the attic. They are still there. Thanksgiving is in one week. I have had no time to put them into the actual attic.

Time has been flying by so quickly, and while I do feel like I am accomplishing a lot, sleep is falling by the wayside. I haven't slept a normal night since, oh, August. And it's taking a toll.

Like, if anyone asks me a question that requires a complex answer, I will SHANK them. But in an attempt to stay eloquent:

As one who is lucky enough to be a full-time teacher during the year and a full-time stay-at-home-mom during the summer, I have experienced the joys and trials of both. And while I have always been upfront about the fact that being a SAHM is harder than my job, yesterday was an exception. Yesterday, I spent my workday prepping and planning for Parent-Teacher Conferences, which is usually not a big deal; the same types of parents asking the same types of questions: "How do we motivate him?" "Why won't she stop talking?" and while every student truly is special and unique, their age group brings about certain factions of questions. So it's a fairly easy, albeit repetitive, evening. 

So while the familiarity of my 20th PT Conference was a relief, the fact that I wouldn't see my kids was a bummer. John is in a deliciously huggy stage, and while Em's behavior of late indicates that she's growing into a strong-willed little lady, she's still my redheaded angel, and I wanted to hang out with her. 

But I missed it. I missed a whole day. Yes, I went home during my break, nursed my son and made my daughter dinner. Yes, I read her new "book," listened to her stories about school, made her favorite sandwich and snacks for tomorrow's lunch and helped her with her sticker book. I helped her choose a movie and comfy pjs and a cute tv show to watch until her Daddy got home. Yes, I kissed them before I left, told them I loved them, and promised I'd be back soon.

But I missed everything else. I missed whatever Em and her babysitter (who I adore) were laughing about when I came home, I missed her smile when she got out of school, I missed her crazy after-school excitement when she's bursting to tell me the latest thing Madison/Addison said/wore in class. I missed putting her to bed, and hearing her sleepy "Love you, Mama" right before she falls asleep. I missed Chubby's latest mischievous foray into the snack cabinet. I missed it. Missed it all.

There are times when parenthood is a hit or miss. Sometimes I hit all the marks and feel like Supermom. Other days I feel like I've been hit by a bus because I missed the moments. 

I drove home knowing I'd had a successful workday, but the buzz wore off knowing I'd be coming home to to a sleeping house. Luckily, John was awake, watching tv with his dad, a chubby mini-shadow of his future self. He didn't turn to look at me when I got in the door, but when he heard my voice, he ran to me with his arms in the air. And even though I was exhausted, even though I had spent the last five hours talking to other people about their children and wanted to get out of my suit and into my bed, I picked him up, and held him close.

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